Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Red handed

Prior to leaving for “Miami” The Ex had asked to have a conversation with me about our relationship. Things had been very strained between us for months, more so in the past few for various reasons. I had agreed to have this talk when I got back for my trip and had somewhat pushed it out of my mind. On Wednesday January 27th, I came home from work and The Ex was sitting in the den on his computer. I hadn’t even gotten my jacket off and he was on me.

The Ex: “Can we have that talk now?”

Me: “Um… okay.”

I took of my jacket and shoes and followed him to the living room. My lap top was sitting out on the coffee table open as soon as I saw it I knew what was coming. We sat down on the couch, each in our own corner. I sat with my knees up in front of me but facing him.

The Ex: “You’ve been acting weird lately. Things haven’t been going well between us either. Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Me: “No.”

The Ex: “Really? Okay then. Do you own a web-cam?”

I was a little surprised at the remark and instantly on my guard. I know how The Ex thinks and he was very clearly out to trick me into saying something I shouldn’t.

Me: “No.” And I shook my head.

The Ex then gets up and walks into the bedroom. He walks out with my web-cam and asks again if I own one. It’s obvious at this point that I do, but now I was just angry. His little games were so irritating and I just wanted him to get to the bloody point already. I just shook my head.

The Ex: “You have no idea what else I found.”

And he turns my computer towards me and presents me with Exhibit A, two nude photos of Bermuda.

The Ex: “Why the fuck do you have a web-cam and who the fuck is that?”

I was shocked and angry. I recognized the photos, Bermuda had sent them to me on MSN, but I knew that I had very carefully and meticulously deleted everything. How the fuck had The Ex found them? How long had he been tearing apart MY computer as he had most clearly been doing?

The Ex: “Consider very carefully before you answer. Again, you don’t know what else I have.”

It was exactly what I’d suspected. He’d gone into my computer and somehow hacked into my e-mail or something. I didn’t have any idea what he could and couldn’t find on my computer. I know I’d been careful with deleting everything but I didn’t really know what he was capable of recovering or breaking into. Rather than play games I just came out with it.

Me: “That’s the guy I’ve been sleeping with.”

To say that shit hit the fan is an understatement. He spent the next 2 hours grilling me. He wanted to know everything. How I knew Bermuda. What I felt for him. Where we would meet. It only made him angrier when I wouldn’t really answer the questions. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to know anything about Bermuda or my relationship with him. 

At one point The Ex asked if we’d had sex in ‘our’ bed. I started laughing. I couldn’t help myself. It was just too funny. The Ex had accused me of cheating many times over the years. This was the first and only time I’d ever actually done it and part of why it was possible was because it wasn’t in the city. There was no mixing or blending of my life. My life was in Toronto but my affair was strictly in Bermuda. My laughing obviously didn’t help things at all. 

The Ex also made me send an e-mail to Bermuda telling him that our affair was over and that I couldn’t speak to him again. He also watched as I deleted him from Facebook and from my MSN contacts list. (A few days later The Ex hacked into all of these accounts and blocked Bermuda from ever contacting me again.) The Ex made me swear that I would never contact Bermuda again. He told me that if I did, we would be done. He hadn’t yet decided if he wanted to end things with me or not, but for the moment he wanted to work things out with me.

I had never seen The Ex as angry as I did that night. He was insanely jealous and kept repeating to me that Bermuda only wanted me for sex, that I meant nothing to him. That was really the night he started emotionally torturing me.

Nearing the two hour mark of his tirade he went quiet. He looked at me and said, “You’re turned on, aren’t you?”

I looked at him in utter disbelief.

The Ex smiling: “You are, aren’t you?”

I honestly didn’t know what to say or do at this point. It didn’t really matter though; The Ex took my hand and pulled me to the bedroom. 

He had sex with me. 

And that was the first time in my entire life where I faked an orgasm.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

We meet again continues...

My week in Bermuda's bed was a lot of just that. We had sex 2-4 times a day and generally just enjoyed being together. A few highlights for you:

The first night I was there I got to meet roommate A's girlfriend. Meeting her was a really high point of the trip, she was so welcoming, cheerful and talkative. I immensely enjoyed being and cooking with her. She was genuinely happy that I was there with Bermuda and kept asking when I would be coming back.

I met roommate A first. He walked into the living room where Bermuda and I were sitting.

Bermuda: "Roommate A meet Wendy. Wendy, roommate A."

Roommate A with big eyes and pointing his finger at me: "You're the girl from after the Rugby Classic!"

I burst out laughing. "Yes, that was me!"

Bermuda: "Yeah, I wasn't ready to introduce her to anyone then."

We all had a good laugh and started chatting.

Meeting roommate B was a bit more challenging only because he was friends with one of my girlfriends from home and I didn't want him to make the connection. The good news was that B was pretty shy and he and I didn't talk much. He was very nice though when we did speak.


Bermuda is an excellent cook. He definitely spoiled me while I was there with his prowess in the kitchen (not just in the bedroom!). My fav was the night he made us lamp kabobs. I made it very clear I was not so great at cooking so he had me do the prep work. As I was cutting the veggies he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed the back of my neck. I leaned back into him and just remember feeling so content. It was such a small moment but was really very intimate.


On the Friday night Bermuda, Roommate B and I watched Love Actually. It's one of my fav movies of all time and apparently Bermuda and a friend made up a drinking game to go with it. Every time there is a Christmas tree or someone says 'love' you take a drink. Bermuda was far more into this than B and I were but we all had a good giggle over it and everyone played. Unfortunately Bermuda took his game far too seriously and drank himself to bed before the movie was over! That was the only night we went to bed without having sex first.


On my last morning at his place we had sex twice. We were both a bit sore and exhausted but it was the last chance we had. I packed my things and he called me a taxi. We ventured out of his room and there were tons of his friends over! I shook hands with everyone and introduced myself but Bermuda and I snuck out to the back porch to cuddle a bit more. It was a gloriously sunny and warm day, just like when I'd first arrived. We were wrapped around each other and were whispering back and forth. All of his friends could see us too. We heard the taxi drive by the hedge and knew it was time. He walked me out, we kissed and hugged and then I hopped into the taxi and left Bermuda standing at his front door.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

We meet again

January 20th, 2010 I flew to Bermuda to spend 5 days with Bermuda at his house. I had premised the trip as a work trip to Miami so The Ex didn't suspect anything.

I'd already been to Bermuda's place, but I would be spending 5 days there with him and his two roommates. To say I was nervous is a complete understatement. The Ex went back to his house the day before I left to give me time and space to pack and prep for my "work meetings". In actuality I spent the night carefully packing for my 5 day mini sex vacation. I had purchased new lingerie, massage oil and a new bullet, at Bermuda's suggestion. All of the above goodies would have been awkward to pack with The Ex at home.

After careful consideration I decided to wear the same outfit to Bermuda that I had worn the first night I went to Bermuda's place after the Rugby Classic. My stomach was in knots the entire plane ride but once I landed and got in the taxi things improved. The scenery was just spectacular and I found it calming. Bermuda came out of the house when the taxi pulled up and he grabbed my luggage. I followed him into the house to his room, I was shaking. He put my suitcase down at the end of the bed and turned to look at me.

Bermuda: "You look fantastic."

He came towards me and I had to admire how huge he looked. Being as I stand at 5'9 I loved the fact that at 6'4 he towered over me. Bermuda had his head shaved and was sporting his usual short beard. He's tall and slim, not skinny, and has great shoulders (my thing). Usually I don't notice eyes, but Bermuda's are very large, almond shaped, amber coloured, and one of his best features. Even though his lips are partially obscured by his beard they are very sensual, which I got to fully appreciate when he reached out, cupped my face, bent down, and kissed me. One of those super hot movie-like kisses.

I took a sharp intake of breath and ran my hands up under his shirt and pulled it off of him. From there we moved in fast forward. With some effort his belt came off, his shorts fell to the ground and then he was naked. Exactly what I'd been longing for, for the past two months. He swung me around so my back was to his bed and yanked my skirt off, elastic waist was a good idea. Next he bee-lined it for my shirt and more gently lifted that over my head. Underneath I was wearing my new red lace bra and panty set.

Bermuda: "God that red looks amazing against your skin," and shoved me onto his bed. I don't remember how the lace came off, I was so in the moment, but the crazy, all out, ripping-each-other-apart sex we had, once it was off, explains the memory lapse.

An hour later we lay panting, sprawled out on the bed, entwined together.

WOW. That's all there was to say...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My world coming apart

As I mentioned in the previous post Bermuda and I were talking every day and I’d already purchased a plane ticket back to Bermuda. My affair was in full swing.

Mid-December there was a very serious family crisis. I was absolutely devastated over it and could hardly function. I was doing my best and no one at work, save one colleague who I confided in, knew how badly things were going for me. What made this situation even harder was that The Ex did not agree with how my family was handling the situation. We were driving back to Toronto after visiting with my family one weekend and he was going off on me about how things were being handled and how much he didn’t agree with everything. He started attacking members of my immediate family and I just lost it. I was sobbing and screaming at him in the car and I know that in that moment I felt so alone, trapped and scared. This was the scariest and most upsetting thing to ever happen to me and the person I was supposed to marry was not in my corner. Instead he was tearing into me.

The next day I confided in Bermuda. I told him what had happened with my family and how upset and confused I was about everything. Surprisingly enough he was an amazing listener. Usually we talked about lighter topics so this was completely different from our usual conversation, this was real. After I shared with him he did a bit of research, gave me some ideas and thoughts and also shared a few personal stories of his experiences. Although this was all via e-mail, Bermuda let me completely fall apart on him and he caught me, he didn’t let me shatter completely. At that time he was honestly the one and only thing holding me together from a complete and utter breakdown. I am still grateful to him for the support he offered me during this time period. I'm not sure I would have made it through December in one piece had he not been in my life.

Slowly things improved with my family. This was really hard on everyone. One night over the Christmas holidays my dad said to me that I was really lucky to have The Ex to lean on since things were so difficult. It nearly broke my heart because my dad had no idea how awful things were and how unsupportive The Ex was actually being about the whole situation. The biggest thing that kept running through my mind at the time was what if this situation was with a child? What if The Ex and I had a child together and he and I didn't agree on treatment? The thought terrified me that we would be on opposing teams when it came to our own children.

December 2010 was probably the worst month of my life that I can remember. I have never been more emotionally and physically exhausted before. Although I would not wish to repeat the experience and I'm so glad that my family member is now in good health again, I am grateful to have had that eye-opening experience with The Ex. 

My dad was right in one regard, it was very good that I had someone to lean on and support me... too bad it wasn't the person that it should have been.

Monday, October 17, 2011

And an affair begins

Bermuda came by around 10pm on the Wednesday night. It was going to be a short visit since he had to work in the morning and I was flying home. We had sex twice more and then talked and cuddled for a bit. Bermuda got up to put his clothes back on so he could leave. I had to admire his jeans, they looked fantastic on him. I made him twirl around and commented about how great his derriere looked in them. We had a giggle over that. He asked for a hug before he left so I got up, walked over to him, wrapped my arms around him on tippy toes and kissed him. I shook my head and blurted “You said hug not kiss!” He smiled at me and we did hug and he made a cheeky grab at my ass! Another small kiss on the cheek and he left.

I flew home on Thursday and The Ex was at his house, not at our condo. I was relieved; I needed time to process what I’d just done. The Ex and I had been together 7+ years, we were engaged and the wedding date was set. In theory I was just about to get everything I’d wanted and there I was, very much, cheating on him. Even with this running through my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about Bermuda.

That afternoon I send Bermuda an e-mail letting him know that I’d had a fantastic time with him. He hadn’t replied by Friday so I sent him a text. He replied to my e-mail then saying he was sorry he hadn’t gotten the message earlier, but the message had gone right to his junk e-mail. That was officially the day my affair started. Bermuda and I would e-mail each other all-day every-day, video chat on MSN and call each other. By the end of November we’d made plans for me to return to Bermuda to see him. I’d purchased a plane ticket for the end of January and I couldn’t wait to see him again. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my best friend.

I did see my best friend a few days after I got back from Bermuda. She and I went for dinner and polished off a bottle of wine and several martinis. I did confess to sleeping with Bermuda, she was completely shocked. We talked it over and I assured her that it was a one-time thing and that I only needed to get it out of my system before getting married. Although she wasn’t impressed with me, as my best friend, she supported me and told me that as long as it was just this one time she would keep my secret. This is also when my lies started.

At the moment I am painting myself as the bad guy. I take full responsibility for the actions I took. I’m not proud of my affair and although it is a reflection of who I was at the time, it is not something I would wish to repeat ever. For those of you following, you will see how much I hid from everyone around me and how much I was hiding from myself. The affair with Bermuda was me trying to escape reality because I couldn’t quite deal with the repercussions of being in an unhappy relationship and not being strong enough (yet) to end things. There were a lot of reasons that led to the end of my relationship with The Ex, some of which I am capable of sharing and writing about, and others that I am not. You will certainly see that I put a lot of the blame on myself, but it does take two to make and break a relationship and there are always two sides to every story.

Saturday, October 15, 2011


We had sex a few times that night. Everything sort of blurred together in a euphoric dreamy kind of way. We did go to sleep at some point wrapped around each other.

The following morning we woke up still in each others' arms, surprisingly enough, I'd slept well. I went and grabbed us some breakfast; tea and banana bread. Bermuda finger fed me the banana bread, it was really cute.

Bermuda suggested that we take a shower together and after our all-night romp I agreed. The hotel shower was phenomenal. It was one of those "rain" shower-heads in a large, rectangular space; there was lots of room and stones as the flooring and walls. Although at first we stared out with an actual shower, things eventually ended up with the hottest foreplay I've ever experienced. Slippery, wet and just plain hot.

Unfortunately I had to get out of the shower sooner than I wanted. The heat and lack of oxygen was making me a bit dizzy and I'm prone to fainting. I sprawled back on the bed and unconsciously kept touching myself, I was already incredibly turned on. Bermuda came out shortly after, saw me lying on the bed playing with myself and pounced on me. Between the night before, the shower and how attracted I was to Bermuda, I simply could not get close enough to him. Arms, legs, hands wrapped all around him. Kissing and touching everywhere. I wanted him and I wanted all of him. When I came, I raked my nails all down his back and completely and utterly dissolved. It didn't take him long to follow suit.

The sex we had that morning was the hottest sex I'd ever had. I'd never let myself go like that ever before. It was incredible.

In the post-sex afterglow we chatted a bit more. We talked more about our families, travel and life goals. Although we'd avoided the topic, Bermuda asked about the upcoming wedding and my fiance. He'd taken my left hand and was "admiring" my engagement ring.

Bermuda: "I've never really liked engagement rings. To me it's like a guy buys this huge rock and puts it on a girl's finger to 'claim' his right to her. It's a blatant display of money and ownership. Not my style."

I just kept looking at him. There wasn't a lot that I could add with the massive rock sitting on my finger. Bermuda looked up from his ring inspection and asked, "Do you love him?"

I've looked back on this moment many times since then and I know that I hesitated in replying. I stopped and thought about it but ultimately gave the only answer that I could.

Me: "Yes. Of course I love him."

Bermuda nodded his head and let go of my hand. We lay in bed for another hour or so talking before he got up and left. We made plans to see each other again that night since it would be my last one.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

All in

Monday night was a complete write-off after not sleeping much the night before. Bermuda and I texted back and forth a bit but in the end made plans for the following night. Wednesday was a stat holiday so we decided that Bermuda would come to my hotel room after dinner and spend the night, since neither one of us had anywhere to be Wednesday morning.

Tuesday I didn't have business commitments other than dinner in the evening so I went to walk around town. I enjoyed a lovely lunch overlooking the harbor. While enjoying my seafood chowder I decided that if I was going to continue down the path I was on, I was going to do it up properly. I sent a text to Bermuda asking him what kind of lingerie he preferred. His reply was cheeky with a touch of surprise but he gave me directions to an appropriate store.

The sales woman was very helpful and I left with a really fun hot pink and black lace number, not my usual pick, but completely appropriate on such short notice. I also picked up massage oil and condoms, key for a good night.

(Hot pink anyone?)

Bermuda arrived around 9:30pm after we'd both finished up with our other obligations. I met him in the hotel parking lot and gave him a huge hug. He seemed a bit nervous, but so was I. This was crossing the line between unintended to pre-meditated.

Back in my room, I offer some champagne to take a bit of the edge off. We made a small toast and polished off half the bottle chatting and laughing. As with the other nights, conversation was just easy.

I got up to refill our glasses and came back down to sit on the bed. With the glass held in the air between us, eyes on each other, the atmosphere changed. We both knew why he was there and were being shy about it.

Bermuda: "You still want to do this?"

Me with a smirk: "I'm an extremist, I'm not capable of doing things half way. I'm all in."

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The morning after

Sure enough the alarm went off at 7am. Bermuda rolled out of bed with a groan.

Me: "Wake me up when you're ready to go."

I moved over to his side of the bed and wrapped the covers around me as he walked out. I woke up again when he came back in around 8am. He opened the door, saw me peeking out at him from the covers and his eyes went wide, I'm not really sure why.

Bermuda: "I'm going to get dressed and then we have to leave in about 15."

Me: "Okay. I'll be ready"

Bermuda as he sat down on the bed: "What should I wear today?"

Me: "That blue shirt and tie and a suit!" I gave him a mega watt smile on this one.

Bermuda: "I'm too tired to come up with better, aright."

While he got dressed I got ready too, I had brought a change of clothes. Whether from lack of sleep, adrenaline or shock I was shaking.

When we'd gotten ourselves together we left the house to get on his scooter. It was a gloriously beautiful day. The sun was rising and it was warm. We started on our way, Bermuda in his suit, my overnight bag at his feet and me wrapped around him on the back of the bike. He lighted a cigarette as we drove and I was just awestruck at the view. He took me along a road that overlooked the ocean and with the sun rising and waters sparkling I was stunned.

Me: "Wow. This is just so beautiful. I feel like I'm in Europe only it's better."

Bermuda: "Yeah, I'm feeling a bit Italian at the moment, scooter, smoke and taking a perfectly respectable girl home in the morning."

To this day the ride that morning is still the most romantic moment of my life.

We pulled into the back parking lot of the hotel. I got off the bike and handed him my helmet.

Me: "I'll message you later, we should go out again"

Bermuda: "Okay."

I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, said goodbye and ran back to my hotel room to shower and get ready for my meetings to start.

All I knew was that I wanted to see him again and soon.