Friday, February 10, 2012

10-Pound Challenge update

I've been a bit lax in my posts lately. The good news is that there is a lot of wonderful things going on in my life. I may actually start posting about them as well. A lot has changed since things ended with The Ex and since I landed myself in Bermuda's bed.

For the 10-Pound Challenge I have actually been really focused and my goal is to post once a week with an update.

At the moment I have not had time to add more exercise to my life, but that will come in a few weeks. I've been focusing a lot on diet.

When the challenge started I weighed 187lbs.

Monday February 6th my weight was 183.2!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I'm sorry? Can you repeat that one more time? Bad Boy round 3

I was stunned. I lay there just looking at him for a moment. Then I went cold. I'd only been single for 3 week and frankly Bad Boy was not someone I could ever see myself with. This was supposed to be just for fun. I thought he understood that.

Me: "Bad Boy, this is a one night thing. I don't want to be with you. I just wanted to have sex with you. That's it."

Then I started to get a bit angry. How dare he suggest this!

Me: "And for that matter, you dated my sister, there is no way I would be with you after that. Like at all!"

Bad Boy looked shocked. And then was really quiet. There was a very long, awkward silence.

Me: "I think maybe you should go now."

More silence.

Bad Boy: "Okay..."

Although the sex had been fantastic, things had gone from fun to WAY too serious in about half a second. After Bad Boy agreed to leave I called him a taxi and we waited in the front hall together silently.

When the taxi arrived I waved goodbye... and although Bad Boy has tried to contact me since, that was the last time I saw him and goodbye is the last thing I said to him.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

WOW! - Bad Boy round 2

I spent the bus ride home playing over all the different scenarios in my head. Fantasizing. Bad Boy and I had killer chemistry and I was feeling the thrill of doing something so reckless.

He was waiting at the bus station just like we'd discussed. After grabbing a taxi and making it home, we settled in to catch up over drinks. We talked, and we talked, and we talked.

Around 1am, and a few drinks in, I decided that it was time. I excused myself and I came back out in nothing but the lacy, red lingerie. His reaction was phenomenal. A mixture between complete and utter shock and wow. It was exactly what I was going for.

Bad Boy put down his drink and slowly got up and walked to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me. Exactly the same as when I was 14 years old, some things never change. The big difference this time was that I knew what I was doing and from that point on things moved rather quickly.

The lacy underthings didn't last very long and were left on the living room floor after Bad Boy rather enthusiastically took them off of me while we were making out on the couch. We somehow made our way upstairs to my childhood bedroom, Bad Boy's clothes were strewn all the way up the stairs and at the top of the landing.

We proceeded to have, which I still consider to this day, the best sex of my life. Part of why it was so fantastic was my mind-set. He was what I wanted and frankly I was angry. Angry at him. Angry at myself. Angry in general. And it showed. The other part was simply him. The boy KNEW what he was doing. Between throwing me up against the wall, trying on several new positions with me (!) and giving me three orgasms (WOW!) over the span of two hours, I was both very impressed and completely exhausted.

After our fun we both lay sprawled out on the bed.

Me: "You should totally be a porn star with moves like that."

Bad Boy: "I wish. Getting paid to have sex would be the best job ever but my cock isn't big enough."

Me: "You can't be serious!"

Bad Boy: "Yes, I am. Being a porn star would be great."

Me: "Bad Boy, I know you. I wasn't talking about the porn star comment. I was talking about the size comment."

Bad Boy: "I've looked into it and those guys are gigantic. My cock is big, but nowhere near as big as a porn star's."

Me: "Hm. I see." (Really I didn't)

We lay quietly for a bit, I was lost in my own thoughts.

Me: "So... what did you think? Was having sex with me what you thought it would be?"

Bad Boy after looking me up and down: "You're WAY better than I thought you would be. I'm shocked actually."

I gave him a small chuckle at that.

Me: "Worth the 10 year wait then?"

Bad Boy: "Uh, yes!"

I had to laugh at his reaction.

Bad Boy: "What about me?"

Me: "You are exactly as good as I imagined you'd be. I knew you'd be fantastic. As for waiting 10 years, I needed the time. Had we done this 10 years ago it wouldn't have been even half as good."

He looked a little surprised at my admission. We continued on this tangent for a bit laughing at and with each other over it all.

Bad Boy: "When can I see you again?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Bad Boy: "Well, I really like you. I've always liked you and I think we should be together. When can I see you again?"

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

And the adventures begin - Bad Boy round 1

Bad Boy was my first real boyfriend. We met in September of grade 9, I was 14 and he was a year older. He was also loads of fun, tall, and, from my 14 year old perspective, super hot. Because we attended different high schools most of our relationship was based on 2-3 hour phone calls every night. Regardless, I was smitten. He was also my first real kiss and it absolutely blew me away. Definitely a boy who knew what he was doing.

We crossed paths again when I was 16 and again at 18 where each time we had a bit of a fling (PG13 fling I must add). There were two incidences when I was 18. The first incident was just after my 18th birthday, we basically started talking again after many months of no communication. Somewhat randomly he asked me about my virginity. Now to give context to this, for years I had been telling him that I was waiting until I was at least 18 before having sex. I didn't know until after the fact, but he had made a mental note and it was his goal to be my first. After he asked the question, there was a bit of an awkward pause and I let him know that I'd given it up to my boyfriend. I was absolutely floored at his reaction! He was so angry and he basically told me off for not "waiting" for him! Somehow I managed to calm him down, but it was definitely a conversation that stands out in my memory.

The second incident was several months after this conversation and he and I had been hanging again. One night we were sitting talking in my car and one thing led to another and we both ended up naked in my car. It was a very hot make-out session but I had a moment of panic and stopped things. Once we were both properly clothed again I drove him home.We didn't cross paths again until I was 25 and he was dating my sister. That is a story for another day.

It's important to know a bit of the back story and to know that although I was not ready at 18 I had always wondered "what if?"...

Several weeks after The Ex and I broke up, I was alone at home over a long weekend. It was the Sunday night and I was sitting at home on my lap top with MSN running, which is unsual for me. Out of nowhere Bad Boy messaged me. We chatted for a bit and he kept whining that he wanted to see me. I live in Toronto and he lives in my hometown. Finally, I just wrote to him "Fine, I'll come home. Meet me at the bus station."

I knew exactly what was going to happen. I still wanted Bad Boy and this was my chance to check him off the list. Not only was I excited, but I was feeling a bit vengeful as well. He had dated my sister after all and there was most definitely some unfinished business between us. I slipped into some sexy red lingerie, packed an overnight bag and walked out the door, I had an old friend to meet.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The whole truth - Part 2

I waited on the couch that evening for my sister to get home. When she saw me on the couch she asked,
“What are you doing home?”

Me: “I just took the day off to work on a few things”

Sister: “Oh, that’s nice. How are you? How is The Ex?”

Me: “Things are okay. He’s okay.”

Sister: “That’s good. So Wendy, when are we sending out your wedding invitations? Don’t they need to go out soon?”

Me: “Um… why don’t we talk about that after dinner, okay?”

Sister: “What do you mean? What’s going on? Wendy… are you still engaged?!”

I held up my left hand. I’d taken the ring off as soon as I could and she just stared at it.

Me: “Let’s talk after dinner and I will tell you all about it.”

All through dinner she was watching me. There was a very awkward silence throughout and as soon as she’d eaten enough she asked if we could go and talk now. We went up to her room and plunked down on the bed.

Sister: “What’s going on?”

For the next hour I went over a briefer version of what had happened. I left out the part about the affair, for the time being, but I gave her all of the other details. I told her that I was really sorry I hadn’t said anything before but I knew she had been very busy and stressed out about her work; I hadn’t wanted to add to that stress. She was okay with this and was very understanding. After sharing with her some of what had been going on she was really angry with The Ex, I felt a bit guilty about that based on the not sharing about the affair, but she was my sister and I needed her. We hugged and then talked about other things. It was still good to tell her what had happened. She had to get ready to go out with her friends, so I was helping her pick out her outfit when the phone rang. It was for me! One of my high school friends was calling my parents to get my cell phone number and luckily I was home. She was trying to get a group of us together for drinks at our favourite place that night. It was the perfect opportunity for me to break the news to my friends all at once. I’d already let BFF2 and BFF1 know, as well as a few of my friends in Toronto, but I had yet to let my high school friends know what was going on. It was then my turn to get ready and off I went.

When I got there everyone had already arrived except for BFF1. I sat down and started the conversation, “Before we get started I wanted to share something with everyone so that we can move on to happier things. Last weekend The Ex and I broke up. We’ve called off the wedding.”

Dead silence.

Then my one friend said, “Wendy, are you serious? You’re joking right?!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I’m not. It just came to a point and we couldn’t do it anymore.”

More silence and then, same friend: “Wow. I had no idea you were so unhappy! You guys were so perfect together, what happened?!”

Her comment about being perfect stung a little. It’s true that The Ex and I presented the world with this happy, outgoing, fun couple and it made me exceedingly sad to know that it had all been fake. We had been pretending for months and months. Her comment made me realize how far I was from the real me.

I shared a bit more about what had happened (leaving out the affair for the moment) and they all nodded. My friends all offered me their support and we thankfully moved on to other topics. It was really nice to listen to how well everyone was doing.

My day of truths had ended on a high note and when I got home that night I officially changed my status on Facebook from “Engaged” to “Single”. It was on Facebook, there was no turning back now ;)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The whole truth - Part 1

After e-mailing with Bermuda on the Monday, I’d sent an e-mail to my boss on Tuesday to let her know what was going on in my life. I asked her for Friday off, to sort through some things, and I also asked her for a little extra vacation time in July to take a time out after our busy season. Thankfully she agreed and on Wednesday I purchased a flight to Bermuda for July 16th returning on July 29th. It was a long time but I wanted and needed to see Bermuda. Other than being free, this was my bright spot on the horizon to help me deal with all the extra ramifications of ending my relationship with The Ex.

Friday I took an early bus home so that I could spend some time with my dad before tackling talking with my sister. Dad was already up (he’d been working late shifts at work) and we sat on the couch drinking tea and coffee. Dad took a deep breath and then asked, “I know that we talked in April about your relationship, but I don’t really understand how money got to be such a big issue. Can you explain it to me?”

Me: “I can. That’s part of why I came home today, not just to talk to Sister but to be able to tell you what happened. I want you to hear from me why things went south rather than through the grapevine.”
My hometown is a relatively large city, but it functioned a bit like a small town. It was entirely possible that my dad would hear things about my relationship with The Ex through other means and I sincerely wanted him (and my mother) to know the whole story through me. I started by telling dad about loaning The Ex money back when I was in University. And then about how I would be paying for things and how things got much worse when he lost his job (back in 2008!). I also told him how The Ex had used a credit card in my name to buy some electronic items and then stopped paying the balance. I found out about this in 2008 when a collection agency called me at work. That particular incident should have spelled the end for The Ex and me, but he manipulated and talked himself out of that one.

Dad listened patiently while I went through all of this. He was really upset by a few of the comments and situations and repeated that I should have come to him and asked his advice. Once I’d gone over all of the financial parts, watching dad’s disappointment grow, I then dropped the affair. I told him that in the fall I had started seeing someone else and I had definitely cheated on The Ex. I said that I was really sorry that I had done this and through therapy I had realized it was my way of screaming for help.

I then told dad that I had started seeing a therapist in February because I had been so stressed out about the whole wedding and affair that I simply couldn’t process my own thoughts on the matter. After our three hour conversation dad gave me a hug, told me he loved me and we went to our usual neighbourhood pub for lunch.  A huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders; I couldn’t even put into words how relieved I was to finally tell the truth - the good, the bad and the very ugly. It was such a release to stop pretending, to actually be. After telling my dad the whole story I vowed to myself that I would never hide myself again because in hiding the truth from everyone I had been hiding who I was.