The bachelorette party!!! - Part 2

I was beyond relieved when I met up with all my friends at the airport. There was BFF1 and BFF2 along with Girlfriend A and Girlfriend B. Some of my closest friends and we had 4 days of fun in Chicago.

Once we landed I started taking some super cheesy videos of us in the taxi to our hotel. We were all laughing and having fun despite the early morning. Once we all got checked in, we took a tour of the hotel and decided to head out shopping. We all love shopping in the USA, more selection and, generally speaking, much better prices as well.

After hours and hours of perusing the mall we headed back to the hotel to get ready for a night on the town. BBF1 and I went down to get some ice for our pre-drinking/get-ready party and on the way to the elevator I told her that essentially The Ex and I broke the night before. She looked at me with big eyes and asked if I was okay. I told her that I was okay and that we had decided to wait until I got back to make an official decision but things were really, really bad. I also said that I was grateful for this weekend with the girls as a distraction. She nodded.

Back in the room we all got dolled up. I had on the usual little black dress and BFF2 did my makeup. On top of little black dress I had a hot pink sash with Bachelorette sprawled across it and a tiara.

The concierge recommended a club and off we went.

The night was an absolute gong show and ended earlier than expected with a few of the girls a little worse for wear. This blog is about me and boys, so I will gloss over the details.

Our alarm clocks went off very early the next morning because that was the morning we were going to see Oprah! This was truly a moment for the history books. After a quick start and making our way to the studio we actually had to wait 4 hours before the show started but I will never forget that day for as long as I live.

We ended up in seats at the very back of the studio, probably as far away from Oprah as possible. The moment she walked out on stage though, I was done for. I was grinning ear to ear and crying all at the same time. It was one of those perfect moments when you know one of your dreams just came true.

Oprah was wearing a really cute orange dress with a brown belt cinched at the waist and the show was about surprising people. Justin Timberlake, Cher, and Will I Am were featured, and then at the end Usher came out and performed Oh My Gosh. It was a crazy high energy moment and I am SO grateful to my friends for getting me tickets. Totally the experience of a lifetime. Definitely a bright, shining spot in a time of darkness.

The bachelorette party!!! - Part 1

At my birthday party my wedding party and a few girlfriends shared with me the exciting news that they had planned to throw my bachelorette party in Chicago with hopes of getting tickets to the Oprah Winfrey Show. I was over the moon excited, we were leaving early in the morning on Thursday April 22nd.

On the Monday of that week Girlfriend A called me at work, "Wendy I have some amazing news," she gushed, "I just got an e-mail saying that I scored us 4 tickets to Oprah on Friday!!!!" She and I both squealed into the phone and I was dancing in my office. This was a dream come true and I couldn't believe that my friends had put this all together just for me! Knowing that we had tickets I was positively ecstatic.

The night before we flew I was packing my bags and The Ex decided to pick a fight with me. He was jealous that I was going and didn't trust me to behave.

Me: "Look, I get why you don't trust me, but it isn't like I go out and sleep with random people. I had an affair, with a very specific person. I know it was wrong and I absolutely will not be doing that again."

The Ex: "I just don't think that with your past behaviour that you deserve a bachelorette like this. I mean, you're going away for 4 days, and I don't know what you'll be up to. Your friends knew what you were doing and no one stopped you."

Me: "Actually only BFF1 knew anything and she did try and stop me but I didn't tell her everything I was doing."

The Ex: "Yeah right! She probably encouraged you. Why didn't she tell me then?"

Me: "Because she is MY friend! Although she did not agree with my actions at all, the bottom line is she is MY friend! If the roles were reversed you would totally have your friend's back in the same way and you know it!"

The Ex: "I would've tried harder to make them stop what they were doing so that I didn't have to keep a secret."

Me: "She did! And then I stopped sharing with her! She can't tell you something she doesn't know!"

The Ex: "And why Chicago anyway? Why can't you just go out here so that you can come home afterwards?"

Me: "They got me tickets to Oprah. You know how much I love Oprah. I've been watching her show since I was 15. This is a dream come true. Why can't you just be happy for me?"

The Ex: "I just don't see how with everything between us why you would want to go away right now. Things aren't good."

Our conversation went in circles like this the entire time I was packing. After about two hours of back and forth and talking around and around The Ex finally said, "I think we should end things. You clearly don't want to be with me, you're leaving on this trip."

Me: "Ex, you really can't do this tonight. I leave in the morning with my girlfriends to celebrate us getting married. You really want to end things now? Like this?"

We sat looking at each other.

Me: "Look. Let's table this discussion until I get back. Then we can make a decision one way or the other."

The Ex: "Fine."

So we left things hanging while I jetted off the next morning with my friends to celebrate my bachelorette...

Ultimatum

Me: "We need to talk. As you know, I'm having some issues with the thought of us getting married."

The Ex: "Yeah."

Me: "The fact of the matter is you aren't working and I'm supporting us 100%. And not only supporting us 100% in our home here, but I'm also paying for your house, which we don't live in. Effective immediately, I will not be paying for anything outside us living here together."

The Ex: "How the hell am I supposed to pay for the house then?!"

Me: "I don't know. But the mortgage isn't in my name and frankly I simply can't afford two places on my salary. It's your house, you insist on keeping it, you need to figure this out. I think you need to sell it. Its sinking us."

The Ex: "What if you stopped getting your hair done? Wouldn't that make a big difference?"

Me: "Getting my hair done is expensive, yes. But as I just mentioned, I'm the only one working and I need to look professional. Getting my hair done is non-negotiable. YOUR house is the problem! I can support us both living here, it's tight but I can do it. I CAN'T afford here and your house. And it's YOUR house! Not OURS!"

At this point the whole conversation went downhill. A lot of blame, anger and frustration came out. In the end The Ex walked away to consult his mother about selling his house after I'd sent him the black and white numbers of the money coming in and out of our home. Things were pretty shaky at that time and he spent a lot of time at his house instead of at the condo with me.

A week later her came back to me saying that selling his house wasn't an option, his mother didn't think it was a good idea because of the housing market. He then asked me why this was only coming up now and why I hadn't brought it up before.

Me: "We tried to talk about it. Don't you remember our pre-marriage counseling course? The instructor in charge of finances took us aside and offered to help because we clearly gave off the vibe that we couldn't communicate on this topic. He was right! We can't communicate when it comes to money, this is a BIG problem!"

The Ex: "We can get a pre-nup then. I mean if that's what you need to feel comfortable with not selling the house and still getting married..."

Me: "Do you not understand what signing on the dotted line means? If we get married, and I sign the marriage license, that house is half mine. Which means I am then responsible for the payments even if my name isn't on the deed. Why can't you understand that this is a bad financial decision for me?! I'd be taking on even more debt for you."

The Ex: "Yeah, but then you'd get half the equity too. That's a disadvantage for me!"

Me: "How?! I've been paying for the thing for the past year anyway and I get s#*t all out of it now."

Again the conversation went completely downhill. Neither one of us was willing to give on anything. He wouldn't give up his house and I was not willing to sign on the dotted line knowing that it was financial suicide.

Things were getting increasingly tense. On top of the infidelity, financial issues, lack of trust, The Ex not working and all the pressure of an upcoming wedding, we were miserable. We'd completely and utterly lost our way. It was so hard to believe that once upon a time we'd actually been happy.

The breaking point - Part 2

After the Stag and Doe The Ex decided to stay at his home for a few days working on renovations. My dad offered to drive me back to Toronto on the Sunday night.

The entire drive to my place Dad and I made small talk. It was like we were both avoiding the elephant in the room. We were about 15 minutes from home when dad finally asked, "Wendy, how are things with you and The Ex and him not working?"

Me: "Just fine. We're making it work."

Dad: "How is he affording his house and helping to pay for you to live together in Toronto?"

At this comment I got very quiet and my eyes welled up.

Me: "Dad can we wait until we're inside to talk more?"

Dad looked at me and nodded. When we got to the condo we unloaded my things and took the elevator. Once we got in and settled, I got us two glasses of water, and then I just lost it. I spent the next two hours sobbing to my dad about how unhappy I was, how hard things had been and how I didn't know what to do. He listened and hugged me.

My dad has always been my 'Go To' person and to this day I am so grateful that he pushed me that evening. Although I didn't tell him everything that was going on (ie. My affair), I did get to talk about The Ex losing his job, how tight money was and generally how unhappy I was. We had a really good discussion and somewhere in there dad said to me, "Wendy, if you're this unhappy get out. Your mother and I are okay if you call things off. All we care about is you and your well-being. If this isn't right, don't do it."

In that one moment it was as if a huge weight had been lifted. One of the major topics my therapist and I had talked about was my fear of what everyone would think if I ended the relationship, especially my parents. At heart I am a people pleaser and I always want to make my parents proud. To hear my dad tell me that it was okay to call off the wedding was exactly what I had needed to hear.

After I had pulled myself together a bit dad and I worked out a plan. There were some huge concerns in regards to money (which I have not mentioned before in this blog), especially the fact that I was the only one of us working and was actually paying for not only our home in Toronto but for the mortgage on his house in another city. After looking over the numbers it became very apparent that I could only afford to support us in our current location and unfortunately I had to show him the black and white numbers regarding his house.

When dad left that night I felt light as a feather. He was going to fill my mom in about things and I was going to be in touch with them in the next couple days regarding the finances to get their help and support in talking with the Ex about it.

Things were about to get very, very ugly.

The breaking point - Part 1

By the beginning of April almost everything was complete and booked for the wedding. I had ordered my dress in October, the church and reception hall were confirmed, we'd done our tasting and chosen the food that would be served. The decorations, photography, flowers, tuxes and bridesmaid dresses chosen. The only thing left was to actually do up the invitations and mail them out.

The first weekend in April was our Stag and Doe. A Canadian Stag and Doe is basically a party to help raise money for the couple and their wedding. There were drinks and dinner served and then lots of games and an auction.

The Ex and I weren't happy about the Stag and Doe only because things had been so tense between us. But our wedding party and parents had done a beautiful job of putting it together. There were well over 125+ people that came out to support us and it was a really great time visiting with everyone. The auction/draw was the highlight. The Ex and I went back and forth drawing out names and it was a lot of fun giving away all of the prizes.

At the end of the evening I got up and thanked everyone for coming. I took an extra minute to thank the wedding party and our families for all of their support. I enjoy public speaking so it was logical for me to be the one to do this. Afterwards I felt terrible because I had forgotten to thank my aunt and uncle who had also put in a lot of time and effort into helping my parents with the event. I sent them a special note afterwards and felt better.

The Stag and Doe was the hardest thing to get through because at this point only my two best friends had any idea things were not okay between The Ex and I. Everyone else thought that we were the happy and excited couple that we were presenting.

One thing I had gotten really good at was faking it.

The reply

When his e-mail popped up in my inbox I just sat there staring at it for a good 5 minutes. I must have looked like a complete idiot with my mouth open and eyes wide. To say that I was shocked was a complete and utter understatement.

After taking a few deep breaths I clicked on it.

Hi Wendy,

Really shouldn't be replying to this but here we go.

Wow. He replied! That's all I could think. The e-mail was actually cut-off and about 5 minutes later I received another e-mail from him with the rest of the e-mail. He had answered every single one of my questions and even comment on a few things. I was still in shock.

I read and re-read his e-mail dozens of times. It took a lot of will-power but I didn't reply until the next day, my birthday. He replied to that e-mail as well wishing me a happy birthday and I sent him one more. In my last e-mail I told him that I was going to aim for another 2 months before e-mailing him again. I needed to have a goal to aim for otherwise I was just going to keep messaging him.

After the massive fight with The Ex in February and all the nasty things he had said to me, the fact that Bermuda replied to my e-mail changed my feelings even more. Maybe The Ex had been lying to me? Like he had with so many other things. Definitely something I needed to explore with my therapist.

Birthday present to me

March continued much the same as February. I was completely numb and a total zombie. I worked, I went to therapy and I was a prisoner in my own home. Work at least was an outlet and it was busy so that was my escape.

At the end of March I had a particularly hard week. Work was insane and The Ex was making things difficult. Emotionally I was spent and on the afternoon of March 26th, 2010 I gave in and sent Bermuda an e-mail. Since our last conversation, at the end of January, I'd written him e-mails but I'd just deleted them. He'd made it clear he wanted me to work on my current relationship and I had promised The Ex that I wouldn't contact him. By the end of March I was so emotionally spent that I couldn't help myself, I pressed send.

This is the e-mail that I sent:

I’ve had a ridiculously hard week and honestly I just want to talk to you. Realistically I know you won’t reply based on your last e-mail to me, I’m okay with that.

My week consisted of a whole lot of work issues. [...] I’m exhausted. Work has been excessive for the majority of March. Keeping busy has been a good thing; at least it’s a distraction.

Outside of work things have been interesting, which I’m sure you can imagine. I’m seeing a therapist to sort out why I do the things I do. Some days are better than others. Because of several factors, today has been a really low day. Monday will be exactly two months since the last time we ‘spoke’ and compounded with the bad day is probably why I really want to send this.

Even knowing you won’t reply; I’m still going to ask questions (Me, ask questions?! Shocking!). How was Costa Rica?! I thought of you all day on the 24^th (Feb) knowing you were flying back, I’m sure exhausted, but totally high from the awesome time you must’ve had. [...] What about fishing? I saw the really cool green fish on your Facebook profile pic, did you catch anything else? [...]

I’m going to consider this e-mail an early birthday present to myself to justify it.

Wendy

I knew he wouldn't reply but I had felt better having sent the e-mail. For me it was a release. At least he would know I was thinking of him. Over the weekend I had almost forgotten about the e-mail and then Monday morning he replied...

You're fired

On March 2nd, 2010 The Ex was fired from his job. With all of the other flaws in our relationship this was just one more straw to add to the pile.

This was not the first job that he had lost in our 8 year relationship and this was a huge additional strain when we really didn't need anymore.

The long month of February....

February 2010 was a long month. I was a bit of a zombie basically functioning but not really participating in life.

I started therapy mid-month to try and sort things out. Why did I have an affair? How did I feel about my relationship with The Ex? How did I feel about getting married? I remember the first session with my therapist and she asked me why I was there and I just completely broke down sobbing telling her that I was engaged but had just had an affair and I didn't really know why. It was a very messy hour. I saw my therapist once a week and talking with her was the start of figuring things out.

I missed Bermuda every day. I thought about him all the time and I found it really hard not having him in my life. Especially since he had been so helpful during my family crisis. Mid-February he went on a trip to Costa Rica with his friends and I couldn't help wondering how it went.

Near the end of February The Ex and I had a massive fight. I look back on it now and realize it was a turning point for me and where our relationship was going. It was so nasty that it took me days to recover and a complete meltdown on my therapist before I could somewhat get over it. I have written out what happened but it's very private. If you would like to read the post please send me an e-mail and I will decide whether or not I can share.

Broken promises

Even though I had promised the Ex that I wouldn't, I e-mailed Bermuda the next day from work. I had to say a proper goodbye. He wanted to know what exactly happened so I gave him a summary. He wished me well and told me to work on my upcoming marriage. I was going to try and follow his wishes; he'd always given good advice.