Wednesday, December 28, 2011

And the adventures begin - Bad Boy round 1

Bad Boy was my first real boyfriend. We met in September of grade 9, I was 14 and he was a year older. He was also loads of fun, tall, and, from my 14 year old perspective, super hot. Because we attended different high schools most of our relationship was based on 2-3 hour phone calls every night. Regardless, I was smitten. He was also my first real kiss and it absolutely blew me away. Definitely a boy who knew what he was doing.

We crossed paths again when I was 16 and again at 18 where each time we had a bit of a fling (PG13 fling I must add). There were two incidences when I was 18. The first incident was just after my 18th birthday, we basically started talking again after many months of no communication. Somewhat randomly he asked me about my virginity. Now to give context to this, for years I had been telling him that I was waiting until I was at least 18 before having sex. I didn't know until after the fact, but he had made a mental note and it was his goal to be my first. After he asked the question, there was a bit of an awkward pause and I let him know that I'd given it up to my boyfriend. I was absolutely floored at his reaction! He was so angry and he basically told me off for not "waiting" for him! Somehow I managed to calm him down, but it was definitely a conversation that stands out in my memory.

The second incident was several months after this conversation and he and I had been hanging again. One night we were sitting talking in my car and one thing led to another and we both ended up naked in my car. It was a very hot make-out session but I had a moment of panic and stopped things. Once we were both properly clothed again I drove him home.We didn't cross paths again until I was 25 and he was dating my sister. That is a story for another day.

It's important to know a bit of the back story and to know that although I was not ready at 18 I had always wondered "what if?"...

Several weeks after The Ex and I broke up, I was alone at home over a long weekend. It was the Sunday night and I was sitting at home on my lap top with MSN running, which is unsual for me. Out of nowhere Bad Boy messaged me. We chatted for a bit and he kept whining that he wanted to see me. I live in Toronto and he lives in my hometown. Finally, I just wrote to him "Fine, I'll come home. Meet me at the bus station."

I knew exactly what was going to happen. I still wanted Bad Boy and this was my chance to check him off the list. Not only was I excited, but I was feeling a bit vengeful as well. He had dated my sister after all and there was most definitely some unfinished business between us. I slipped into some sexy red lingerie, packed an overnight bag and walked out the door, I had an old friend to meet.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The whole truth - Part 2

I waited on the couch that evening for my sister to get home. When she saw me on the couch she asked,
“What are you doing home?”

Me: “I just took the day off to work on a few things”

Sister: “Oh, that’s nice. How are you? How is The Ex?”

Me: “Things are okay. He’s okay.”

Sister: “That’s good. So Wendy, when are we sending out your wedding invitations? Don’t they need to go out soon?”

Me: “Um… why don’t we talk about that after dinner, okay?”

Sister: “What do you mean? What’s going on? Wendy… are you still engaged?!”

I held up my left hand. I’d taken the ring off as soon as I could and she just stared at it.

Me: “Let’s talk after dinner and I will tell you all about it.”

All through dinner she was watching me. There was a very awkward silence throughout and as soon as she’d eaten enough she asked if we could go and talk now. We went up to her room and plunked down on the bed.

Sister: “What’s going on?”

For the next hour I went over a briefer version of what had happened. I left out the part about the affair, for the time being, but I gave her all of the other details. I told her that I was really sorry I hadn’t said anything before but I knew she had been very busy and stressed out about her work; I hadn’t wanted to add to that stress. She was okay with this and was very understanding. After sharing with her some of what had been going on she was really angry with The Ex, I felt a bit guilty about that based on the not sharing about the affair, but she was my sister and I needed her. We hugged and then talked about other things. It was still good to tell her what had happened. She had to get ready to go out with her friends, so I was helping her pick out her outfit when the phone rang. It was for me! One of my high school friends was calling my parents to get my cell phone number and luckily I was home. She was trying to get a group of us together for drinks at our favourite place that night. It was the perfect opportunity for me to break the news to my friends all at once. I’d already let BFF2 and BFF1 know, as well as a few of my friends in Toronto, but I had yet to let my high school friends know what was going on. It was then my turn to get ready and off I went.

When I got there everyone had already arrived except for BFF1. I sat down and started the conversation, “Before we get started I wanted to share something with everyone so that we can move on to happier things. Last weekend The Ex and I broke up. We’ve called off the wedding.”

Dead silence.

Then my one friend said, “Wendy, are you serious? You’re joking right?!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I’m not. It just came to a point and we couldn’t do it anymore.”

More silence and then, same friend: “Wow. I had no idea you were so unhappy! You guys were so perfect together, what happened?!”

Her comment about being perfect stung a little. It’s true that The Ex and I presented the world with this happy, outgoing, fun couple and it made me exceedingly sad to know that it had all been fake. We had been pretending for months and months. Her comment made me realize how far I was from the real me.

I shared a bit more about what had happened (leaving out the affair for the moment) and they all nodded. My friends all offered me their support and we thankfully moved on to other topics. It was really nice to listen to how well everyone was doing.

My day of truths had ended on a high note and when I got home that night I officially changed my status on Facebook from “Engaged” to “Single”. It was on Facebook, there was no turning back now ;)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The whole truth - Part 1

After e-mailing with Bermuda on the Monday, I’d sent an e-mail to my boss on Tuesday to let her know what was going on in my life. I asked her for Friday off, to sort through some things, and I also asked her for a little extra vacation time in July to take a time out after our busy season. Thankfully she agreed and on Wednesday I purchased a flight to Bermuda for July 16th returning on July 29th. It was a long time but I wanted and needed to see Bermuda. Other than being free, this was my bright spot on the horizon to help me deal with all the extra ramifications of ending my relationship with The Ex.

Friday I took an early bus home so that I could spend some time with my dad before tackling talking with my sister. Dad was already up (he’d been working late shifts at work) and we sat on the couch drinking tea and coffee. Dad took a deep breath and then asked, “I know that we talked in April about your relationship, but I don’t really understand how money got to be such a big issue. Can you explain it to me?”

Me: “I can. That’s part of why I came home today, not just to talk to Sister but to be able to tell you what happened. I want you to hear from me why things went south rather than through the grapevine.”
My hometown is a relatively large city, but it functioned a bit like a small town. It was entirely possible that my dad would hear things about my relationship with The Ex through other means and I sincerely wanted him (and my mother) to know the whole story through me. I started by telling dad about loaning The Ex money back when I was in University. And then about how I would be paying for things and how things got much worse when he lost his job (back in 2008!). I also told him how The Ex had used a credit card in my name to buy some electronic items and then stopped paying the balance. I found out about this in 2008 when a collection agency called me at work. That particular incident should have spelled the end for The Ex and me, but he manipulated and talked himself out of that one.

Dad listened patiently while I went through all of this. He was really upset by a few of the comments and situations and repeated that I should have come to him and asked his advice. Once I’d gone over all of the financial parts, watching dad’s disappointment grow, I then dropped the affair. I told him that in the fall I had started seeing someone else and I had definitely cheated on The Ex. I said that I was really sorry that I had done this and through therapy I had realized it was my way of screaming for help.

I then told dad that I had started seeing a therapist in February because I had been so stressed out about the whole wedding and affair that I simply couldn’t process my own thoughts on the matter. After our three hour conversation dad gave me a hug, told me he loved me and we went to our usual neighbourhood pub for lunch.  A huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders; I couldn’t even put into words how relieved I was to finally tell the truth - the good, the bad and the very ugly. It was such a release to stop pretending, to actually be. After telling my dad the whole story I vowed to myself that I would never hide myself again because in hiding the truth from everyone I had been hiding who I was.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Are you there?

 Officially The Ex and I ended things on Saturday May 1st, 2010. I had started to sort through things on the Sunday and was planning on continuing to do so in the upcoming week. One thing I was trying to work through was when exactly should I message Bermuda. I thought it was best to wait at least a week or two but then on Monday morning at 10am I pressed send on my first message. I simply couldn't help myself.

My e-mail:
Good morning :)

So it's been 34 days since my last e-mail... not quite the 2 months I had hoped for. I have my reasons.

I have a few questions for you, would you be up for answering them?


I waited anxiously to see if he would reply. Less than two minutes later his name popped up in my inbox.

Go for it.

Are you currently single?

I am

I wanted to check that one before asking the others...

Did you mean it when you told me that seeing me again was not out of the cards?

Obviously certain circumstances made that comment a moot point, but I need to know if you were sincere.
I did at the time. I'm not entirely sure what your situation is at the moment so it may still stand.

Fair enough answer.

Two more and I'm done.

You mentioned in passing that you may be in Montreal for rugby. Is this still the case? If yes, when you be there?

Yeah, unfortunately I'm not able to head out on tour. [...]

What's your home situation? 

[...]Sorry to hear about the tour. [...]

Please clarify what you're asking.

Well I'm asking if you're still wearing a ring.

No ring.

I apologise for my part in the "No Ring" situation.

No apologies needed, but thank you anyway. [...]

I still have one more question.

Clearly things are s*%t in my world right now. I once said that I wouldn't invite myself, I really don't give a f about manners at the moment. I need something to look forward to and I need to get away. Can I come and see you?

Sure you can come and visit.

And in one short hour Bermuda and I were right back to where things had so abruptly ended.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Trial run

I hardly slept that night and was out the door by 8am the next morning. I just wanted to get away from him as soon and as quickly as possible.

Mom was already awake when I got home and we sat sipping tea on the couches in the family room. I calmly told her that The Ex and I were over. I explained how we were gong to handle things and told her that I was okay. She came over and hugged me and said that we would get through this. All that mattered to her was that I was okay with this. She then surprised me by telling me that although she really liked The Ex she really did not like his family. She was appalled at their behaviour at some of the wedding  functions and she was glad that I wouldn't have to deal with them as in-laws. It was reassuring to know that my parents were on my side, well for the moment anyway. I hadn't yet told them the whole story.

I was ready to tell my parents what had happened but I wasn't quite ready to tell my sister so I had made plans to visit BFF2. She knew that things between The Ex and I had been rocky but she knew nothing about the affair or the other details behind why things went to pot. I had decided that she would be my trial run for telling the whole truth. I thanked my mom for tea and for listening to me. We hugged and then I left to go and visit BFF2.

BFF2 was home with her two little girls, although her 7 month old was taking a nap at the time. She gave me a hug when I came in and we sat down in her family room to talk. I didn't waste any time and just poured my heart out and told her everything. Half way through I started crying and her little girl just watched me. She was 3 and couldn't quite figure out what to make of me! BFF2 listened to everything I had to share and at the end all she said to me was, "It's okay. If you weren't happy, you weren't, and it's better to get out now rather than later." I smiled at her and nodded. I felt so relieved. I'd actually done it. I had told the whole truth. I'd admitted my faults. I'd taken on the blame. I'd owned my affair and BFF2 still loved me.

It was with that knowledge that I was able to take on telling the rest of the world that The Ex and I were over.

Thursday, December 1, 2011


When I came back from the bachelorette party on the Sunday, The Ex informed me that he would be spending the week at his home doing renovations. He said that it would give us both some time and space to think about what we wanted to do and that he would be home on Friday night and we could start talking then.

We hardly spoke the entire week he was gone and I admit the condo was actually quiet and I felt relaxed there for the first time in months.

Friday night rolled around and The Ex came home. We'd decided just to stay in and watch a movie. At first it was really nice. We were both in good moods and had a lot to talk about since we hadn't seen each other in a week. Just before we started the movie The Ex handed me his cell phone to show me pictures of the renovations he was working on. He then went to the washroom. I was flipping through the photos admiring the work and I continued flipping because photos of his reef tank came up and then I just kept going. I flipped one too far and my heart just stopped. There was a picture of my lap top computer screen with a list of passwords for my e-mail, Facebook and online banking. That's when I started seeing red. I couldn't believe he's installed a key logger on MY computer. I was absolutely disgusted.

When The Ex got back to the couch I kept my mouth shut, I needed to think. When he sat down he suggested that we save the serious talk until Sunday, since we were going to visit our families the next day. I nodded numbly and then sat back to watch the movie.

As we watched the movie I slowly came to the real realization that this relationship was over and that there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted out. There was absolutely no trust between us and we both felt violated at this point. Nothing was left to salvage. I just needed to gather my thoughts to have a rational conversation on Sunday, I didn't want to just explode because of what I'd just seen.

After the movie The Ex wanted to have sex since we hadn't seen each other in a week and a half and I simply couldn't do it. I "compromised" by giving him head and then thankfully I got to go to sleep.

The next day I spent with my parents and we talked about the bachelorette party and I told them that I was pretty sure things were ending with The Ex. I told them that we'd had a big fight and I wasn't sure where things were going. they nodded and were supportive and I promised to keep them posted.

That night I went back to The Ex's house. My sister tagged along. She had been having a bad week and needed to get out so I suggested she come over the play video games. The three of us did that for several hours and then my sister decided to go home. As soon as she left The Ex asked if I wanted to talk that night, I said yes. He turned to me and asked where I stood.

Me: "I'm done. I am totally out and don't want to be with you anymore."

The Ex: "Okay. What changed?"

I explained to him what happened with his phone the night before and said that neither one of us trusts the other. There was nothing left to work on, we were past the point of repair. When I mentioned the photo in question he did get defensive saying that I had "made him" do that. I simply said that I no longer felt safe with him or in my own home and that was unacceptable. There was nothing more to discuss, our relationship was over.

We were quiet for a few minutes after that and then he asked, "So how do you want to do this?"

Me: "Well, I'm telling my parents in the morning and we'll go from there."

We continued to hash things out for another hour or so. I spent the night there so I could deal with telling my parents in the morning...

It was finally official The Ex and I were over. The wedding was off. I'd finally made the decision I'd been to scared to make for months. I was free and that night that's all that mattered.