Wednesday, December 28, 2011

And the adventures begin - Bad Boy round 1

Bad Boy was my first real boyfriend. We met in September of grade 9, I was 14 and he was a year older. He was also loads of fun, tall, and, from my 14 year old perspective, super hot. Because we attended different high schools most of our relationship was based on 2-3 hour phone calls every night. Regardless, I was smitten. He was also my first real kiss and it absolutely blew me away. Definitely a boy who knew what he was doing.

We crossed paths again when I was 16 and again at 18 where each time we had a bit of a fling (PG13 fling I must add). There were two incidences when I was 18. The first incident was just after my 18th birthday, we basically started talking again after many months of no communication. Somewhat randomly he asked me about my virginity. Now to give context to this, for years I had been telling him that I was waiting until I was at least 18 before having sex. I didn't know until after the fact, but he had made a mental note and it was his goal to be my first. After he asked the question, there was a bit of an awkward pause and I let him know that I'd given it up to my boyfriend. I was absolutely floored at his reaction! He was so angry and he basically told me off for not "waiting" for him! Somehow I managed to calm him down, but it was definitely a conversation that stands out in my memory.

The second incident was several months after this conversation and he and I had been hanging again. One night we were sitting talking in my car and one thing led to another and we both ended up naked in my car. It was a very hot make-out session but I had a moment of panic and stopped things. Once we were both properly clothed again I drove him home.We didn't cross paths again until I was 25 and he was dating my sister. That is a story for another day.

It's important to know a bit of the back story and to know that although I was not ready at 18 I had always wondered "what if?"...

Several weeks after The Ex and I broke up, I was alone at home over a long weekend. It was the Sunday night and I was sitting at home on my lap top with MSN running, which is unsual for me. Out of nowhere Bad Boy messaged me. We chatted for a bit and he kept whining that he wanted to see me. I live in Toronto and he lives in my hometown. Finally, I just wrote to him "Fine, I'll come home. Meet me at the bus station."

I knew exactly what was going to happen. I still wanted Bad Boy and this was my chance to check him off the list. Not only was I excited, but I was feeling a bit vengeful as well. He had dated my sister after all and there was most definitely some unfinished business between us. I slipped into some sexy red lingerie, packed an overnight bag and walked out the door, I had an old friend to meet.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The whole truth - Part 2

I waited on the couch that evening for my sister to get home. When she saw me on the couch she asked,
“What are you doing home?”

Me: “I just took the day off to work on a few things”

Sister: “Oh, that’s nice. How are you? How is The Ex?”

Me: “Things are okay. He’s okay.”

Sister: “That’s good. So Wendy, when are we sending out your wedding invitations? Don’t they need to go out soon?”

Me: “Um… why don’t we talk about that after dinner, okay?”

Sister: “What do you mean? What’s going on? Wendy… are you still engaged?!”

I held up my left hand. I’d taken the ring off as soon as I could and she just stared at it.

Me: “Let’s talk after dinner and I will tell you all about it.”

All through dinner she was watching me. There was a very awkward silence throughout and as soon as she’d eaten enough she asked if we could go and talk now. We went up to her room and plunked down on the bed.

Sister: “What’s going on?”

For the next hour I went over a briefer version of what had happened. I left out the part about the affair, for the time being, but I gave her all of the other details. I told her that I was really sorry I hadn’t said anything before but I knew she had been very busy and stressed out about her work; I hadn’t wanted to add to that stress. She was okay with this and was very understanding. After sharing with her some of what had been going on she was really angry with The Ex, I felt a bit guilty about that based on the not sharing about the affair, but she was my sister and I needed her. We hugged and then talked about other things. It was still good to tell her what had happened. She had to get ready to go out with her friends, so I was helping her pick out her outfit when the phone rang. It was for me! One of my high school friends was calling my parents to get my cell phone number and luckily I was home. She was trying to get a group of us together for drinks at our favourite place that night. It was the perfect opportunity for me to break the news to my friends all at once. I’d already let BFF2 and BFF1 know, as well as a few of my friends in Toronto, but I had yet to let my high school friends know what was going on. It was then my turn to get ready and off I went.

When I got there everyone had already arrived except for BFF1. I sat down and started the conversation, “Before we get started I wanted to share something with everyone so that we can move on to happier things. Last weekend The Ex and I broke up. We’ve called off the wedding.”

Dead silence.

Then my one friend said, “Wendy, are you serious? You’re joking right?!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I’m not. It just came to a point and we couldn’t do it anymore.”

More silence and then, same friend: “Wow. I had no idea you were so unhappy! You guys were so perfect together, what happened?!”

Her comment about being perfect stung a little. It’s true that The Ex and I presented the world with this happy, outgoing, fun couple and it made me exceedingly sad to know that it had all been fake. We had been pretending for months and months. Her comment made me realize how far I was from the real me.

I shared a bit more about what had happened (leaving out the affair for the moment) and they all nodded. My friends all offered me their support and we thankfully moved on to other topics. It was really nice to listen to how well everyone was doing.

My day of truths had ended on a high note and when I got home that night I officially changed my status on Facebook from “Engaged” to “Single”. It was on Facebook, there was no turning back now ;)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The whole truth - Part 1

After e-mailing with Bermuda on the Monday, I’d sent an e-mail to my boss on Tuesday to let her know what was going on in my life. I asked her for Friday off, to sort through some things, and I also asked her for a little extra vacation time in July to take a time out after our busy season. Thankfully she agreed and on Wednesday I purchased a flight to Bermuda for July 16th returning on July 29th. It was a long time but I wanted and needed to see Bermuda. Other than being free, this was my bright spot on the horizon to help me deal with all the extra ramifications of ending my relationship with The Ex.

Friday I took an early bus home so that I could spend some time with my dad before tackling talking with my sister. Dad was already up (he’d been working late shifts at work) and we sat on the couch drinking tea and coffee. Dad took a deep breath and then asked, “I know that we talked in April about your relationship, but I don’t really understand how money got to be such a big issue. Can you explain it to me?”

Me: “I can. That’s part of why I came home today, not just to talk to Sister but to be able to tell you what happened. I want you to hear from me why things went south rather than through the grapevine.”
My hometown is a relatively large city, but it functioned a bit like a small town. It was entirely possible that my dad would hear things about my relationship with The Ex through other means and I sincerely wanted him (and my mother) to know the whole story through me. I started by telling dad about loaning The Ex money back when I was in University. And then about how I would be paying for things and how things got much worse when he lost his job (back in 2008!). I also told him how The Ex had used a credit card in my name to buy some electronic items and then stopped paying the balance. I found out about this in 2008 when a collection agency called me at work. That particular incident should have spelled the end for The Ex and me, but he manipulated and talked himself out of that one.

Dad listened patiently while I went through all of this. He was really upset by a few of the comments and situations and repeated that I should have come to him and asked his advice. Once I’d gone over all of the financial parts, watching dad’s disappointment grow, I then dropped the affair. I told him that in the fall I had started seeing someone else and I had definitely cheated on The Ex. I said that I was really sorry that I had done this and through therapy I had realized it was my way of screaming for help.

I then told dad that I had started seeing a therapist in February because I had been so stressed out about the whole wedding and affair that I simply couldn’t process my own thoughts on the matter. After our three hour conversation dad gave me a hug, told me he loved me and we went to our usual neighbourhood pub for lunch.  A huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders; I couldn’t even put into words how relieved I was to finally tell the truth - the good, the bad and the very ugly. It was such a release to stop pretending, to actually be. After telling my dad the whole story I vowed to myself that I would never hide myself again because in hiding the truth from everyone I had been hiding who I was.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Are you there?

 Officially The Ex and I ended things on Saturday May 1st, 2010. I had started to sort through things on the Sunday and was planning on continuing to do so in the upcoming week. One thing I was trying to work through was when exactly should I message Bermuda. I thought it was best to wait at least a week or two but then on Monday morning at 10am I pressed send on my first message. I simply couldn't help myself.

My e-mail:
Good morning :)

So it's been 34 days since my last e-mail... not quite the 2 months I had hoped for. I have my reasons.

I have a few questions for you, would you be up for answering them?


I waited anxiously to see if he would reply. Less than two minutes later his name popped up in my inbox.

Go for it.

Are you currently single?

I am

I wanted to check that one before asking the others...

Did you mean it when you told me that seeing me again was not out of the cards?

Obviously certain circumstances made that comment a moot point, but I need to know if you were sincere.
I did at the time. I'm not entirely sure what your situation is at the moment so it may still stand.

Fair enough answer.

Two more and I'm done.

You mentioned in passing that you may be in Montreal for rugby. Is this still the case? If yes, when you be there?

Yeah, unfortunately I'm not able to head out on tour. [...]

What's your home situation? 

[...]Sorry to hear about the tour. [...]

Please clarify what you're asking.

Well I'm asking if you're still wearing a ring.

No ring.

I apologise for my part in the "No Ring" situation.

No apologies needed, but thank you anyway. [...]

I still have one more question.

Clearly things are s*%t in my world right now. I once said that I wouldn't invite myself, I really don't give a f about manners at the moment. I need something to look forward to and I need to get away. Can I come and see you?

Sure you can come and visit.

And in one short hour Bermuda and I were right back to where things had so abruptly ended.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Trial run

I hardly slept that night and was out the door by 8am the next morning. I just wanted to get away from him as soon and as quickly as possible.

Mom was already awake when I got home and we sat sipping tea on the couches in the family room. I calmly told her that The Ex and I were over. I explained how we were gong to handle things and told her that I was okay. She came over and hugged me and said that we would get through this. All that mattered to her was that I was okay with this. She then surprised me by telling me that although she really liked The Ex she really did not like his family. She was appalled at their behaviour at some of the wedding  functions and she was glad that I wouldn't have to deal with them as in-laws. It was reassuring to know that my parents were on my side, well for the moment anyway. I hadn't yet told them the whole story.

I was ready to tell my parents what had happened but I wasn't quite ready to tell my sister so I had made plans to visit BFF2. She knew that things between The Ex and I had been rocky but she knew nothing about the affair or the other details behind why things went to pot. I had decided that she would be my trial run for telling the whole truth. I thanked my mom for tea and for listening to me. We hugged and then I left to go and visit BFF2.

BFF2 was home with her two little girls, although her 7 month old was taking a nap at the time. She gave me a hug when I came in and we sat down in her family room to talk. I didn't waste any time and just poured my heart out and told her everything. Half way through I started crying and her little girl just watched me. She was 3 and couldn't quite figure out what to make of me! BFF2 listened to everything I had to share and at the end all she said to me was, "It's okay. If you weren't happy, you weren't, and it's better to get out now rather than later." I smiled at her and nodded. I felt so relieved. I'd actually done it. I had told the whole truth. I'd admitted my faults. I'd taken on the blame. I'd owned my affair and BFF2 still loved me.

It was with that knowledge that I was able to take on telling the rest of the world that The Ex and I were over.

Thursday, December 1, 2011


When I came back from the bachelorette party on the Sunday, The Ex informed me that he would be spending the week at his home doing renovations. He said that it would give us both some time and space to think about what we wanted to do and that he would be home on Friday night and we could start talking then.

We hardly spoke the entire week he was gone and I admit the condo was actually quiet and I felt relaxed there for the first time in months.

Friday night rolled around and The Ex came home. We'd decided just to stay in and watch a movie. At first it was really nice. We were both in good moods and had a lot to talk about since we hadn't seen each other in a week. Just before we started the movie The Ex handed me his cell phone to show me pictures of the renovations he was working on. He then went to the washroom. I was flipping through the photos admiring the work and I continued flipping because photos of his reef tank came up and then I just kept going. I flipped one too far and my heart just stopped. There was a picture of my lap top computer screen with a list of passwords for my e-mail, Facebook and online banking. That's when I started seeing red. I couldn't believe he's installed a key logger on MY computer. I was absolutely disgusted.

When The Ex got back to the couch I kept my mouth shut, I needed to think. When he sat down he suggested that we save the serious talk until Sunday, since we were going to visit our families the next day. I nodded numbly and then sat back to watch the movie.

As we watched the movie I slowly came to the real realization that this relationship was over and that there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted out. There was absolutely no trust between us and we both felt violated at this point. Nothing was left to salvage. I just needed to gather my thoughts to have a rational conversation on Sunday, I didn't want to just explode because of what I'd just seen.

After the movie The Ex wanted to have sex since we hadn't seen each other in a week and a half and I simply couldn't do it. I "compromised" by giving him head and then thankfully I got to go to sleep.

The next day I spent with my parents and we talked about the bachelorette party and I told them that I was pretty sure things were ending with The Ex. I told them that we'd had a big fight and I wasn't sure where things were going. they nodded and were supportive and I promised to keep them posted.

That night I went back to The Ex's house. My sister tagged along. She had been having a bad week and needed to get out so I suggested she come over the play video games. The three of us did that for several hours and then my sister decided to go home. As soon as she left The Ex asked if I wanted to talk that night, I said yes. He turned to me and asked where I stood.

Me: "I'm done. I am totally out and don't want to be with you anymore."

The Ex: "Okay. What changed?"

I explained to him what happened with his phone the night before and said that neither one of us trusts the other. There was nothing left to work on, we were past the point of repair. When I mentioned the photo in question he did get defensive saying that I had "made him" do that. I simply said that I no longer felt safe with him or in my own home and that was unacceptable. There was nothing more to discuss, our relationship was over.

We were quiet for a few minutes after that and then he asked, "So how do you want to do this?"

Me: "Well, I'm telling my parents in the morning and we'll go from there."

We continued to hash things out for another hour or so. I spent the night there so I could deal with telling my parents in the morning...

It was finally official The Ex and I were over. The wedding was off. I'd finally made the decision I'd been to scared to make for months. I was free and that night that's all that mattered.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The bachelorette party!!! - Part 2

I was beyond relieved when I met up with all my friends at the airport. There was BFF1 and BFF2 along with Girlfriend A and Girlfriend B. Some of my closest friends and we had 4 days of fun in Chicago.

Once we landed I started taking some super cheesy videos of us in the taxi to our hotel. We were all laughing and having fun despite the early morning. Once we all got checked in, we took a tour of the hotel and decided to head out shopping. We all love shopping in the USA, more selection and, generally speaking, much better prices as well.

After hours and hours of perusing the mall we headed back to the hotel to get ready for a night on the town. BBF1 and I went down to get some ice for our pre-drinking/get-ready party and on the way to the elevator I told her that essentially The Ex and I broke the night before. She looked at me with big eyes and asked if I was okay. I told her that I was okay and that we had decided to wait until I got back to make an official decision but things were really, really bad. I also said that I was grateful for this weekend with the girls as a distraction. She nodded.

Back in the room we all got dolled up. I had on the usual little black dress and BFF2 did my makeup. On top of little black dress I had a hot pink sash with Bachelorette sprawled across it and a tiara.

The concierge recommended a club and off we went.

The night was an absolute gong show and ended earlier than expected with a few of the girls a little worse for wear. This blog is about me and boys, so I will gloss over the details.

Our alarm clocks went off very early the next morning because that was the morning we were going to see Oprah! This was truly a moment for the history books. After a quick start and making our way to the studio we actually had to wait 4 hours before the show started but I will never forget that day for as long as I live.

We ended up in seats at the very back of the studio, probably as far away from Oprah as possible. The moment she walked out on stage though, I was done for. I was grinning ear to ear and crying all at the same time. It was one of those perfect moments when you know one of your dreams just came true.

Oprah was wearing a really cute orange dress with a brown belt cinched at the waist and the show was about surprising people. Justin Timberlake, Cher, and Will I Am were featured, and then at the end Usher came out and performed Oh My Gosh. It was a crazy high energy moment and I am SO grateful to my friends for getting me tickets. Totally the experience of a lifetime. Definitely a bright, shining spot in a time of darkness.

Monday, November 28, 2011

The bachelorette party!!! - Part 1

At my birthday party my wedding party and a few girlfriends shared with me the exciting news that they had planned to throw my bachelorette party in Chicago with hopes of getting tickets to the Oprah Winfrey Show. I was over the moon excited, we were leaving early in the morning on Thursday April 22nd.

On the Monday of that week Girlfriend A called me at work, "Wendy I have some amazing news," she gushed, "I just got an e-mail saying that I scored us 4 tickets to Oprah on Friday!!!!" She and I both squealed into the phone and I was dancing in my office. This was a dream come true and I couldn't believe that my friends had put this all together just for me! Knowing that we had tickets I was positively ecstatic.

The night before we flew I was packing my bags and The Ex decided to pick a fight with me. He was jealous that I was going and didn't trust me to behave.

Me: "Look, I get why you don't trust me, but it isn't like I go out and sleep with random people. I had an affair, with a very specific person. I know it was wrong and I absolutely will not be doing that again."

The Ex: "I just don't think that with your past behaviour that you deserve a bachelorette like this. I mean, you're going away for 4 days, and I don't know what you'll be up to. Your friends knew what you were doing and no one stopped you."

Me: "Actually only BFF1 knew anything and she did try and stop me but I didn't tell her everything I was doing."

The Ex: "Yeah right! She probably encouraged you. Why didn't she tell me then?"

Me: "Because she is MY friend! Although she did not agree with my actions at all, the bottom line is she is MY friend! If the roles were reversed you would totally have your friend's back in the same way and you know it!"

The Ex: "I would've tried harder to make them stop what they were doing so that I didn't have to keep a secret."

Me: "She did! And then I stopped sharing with her! She can't tell you something she doesn't know!"

The Ex: "And why Chicago anyway? Why can't you just go out here so that you can come home afterwards?"

Me: "They got me tickets to Oprah. You know how much I love Oprah. I've been watching her show since I was 15. This is a dream come true. Why can't you just be happy for me?"

The Ex: "I just don't see how with everything between us why you would want to go away right now. Things aren't good."

Our conversation went in circles like this the entire time I was packing. After about two hours of back and forth and talking around and around The Ex finally said, "I think we should end things. You clearly don't want to be with me, you're leaving on this trip."

Me: "Ex, you really can't do this tonight. I leave in the morning with my girlfriends to celebrate us getting married. You really want to end things now? Like this?"

We sat looking at each other.

Me: "Look. Let's table this discussion until I get back. Then we can make a decision one way or the other."

The Ex: "Fine."

So we left things hanging while I jetted off the next morning with my friends to celebrate my bachelorette...

Saturday, November 26, 2011


Me: "We need to talk. As you know, I'm having some issues with the thought of us getting married."

The Ex: "Yeah."

Me: "The fact of the matter is you aren't working and I'm supporting us 100%. And not only supporting us 100% in our home here, but I'm also paying for your house, which we don't live in. Effective immediately, I will not be paying for anything outside us living here together."

The Ex: "How the hell am I supposed to pay for the house then?!"

Me: "I don't know. But the mortgage isn't in my name and frankly I simply can't afford two places on my salary. It's your house, you insist on keeping it, you need to figure this out. I think you need to sell it. Its sinking us."

The Ex: "What if you stopped getting your hair done? Wouldn't that make a big difference?"

Me: "Getting my hair done is expensive, yes. But as I just mentioned, I'm the only one working and I need to look professional. Getting my hair done is non-negotiable. YOUR house is the problem! I can support us both living here, it's tight but I can do it. I CAN'T afford here and your house. And it's YOUR house! Not OURS!"

At this point the whole conversation went downhill. A lot of blame, anger and frustration came out. In the end The Ex walked away to consult his mother about selling his house after I'd sent him the black and white numbers of the money coming in and out of our home. Things were pretty shaky at that time and he spent a lot of time at his house instead of at the condo with me.

A week later her came back to me saying that selling his house wasn't an option, his mother didn't think it was a good idea because of the housing market. He then asked me why this was only coming up now and why I hadn't brought it up before.

Me: "We tried to talk about it. Don't you remember our pre-marriage counseling course? The instructor in charge of finances took us aside and offered to help because we clearly gave off the vibe that we couldn't communicate on this topic. He was right! We can't communicate when it comes to money, this is a BIG problem!"

The Ex: "We can get a pre-nup then. I mean if that's what you need to feel comfortable with not selling the house and still getting married..."

Me: "Do you not understand what signing on the dotted line means? If we get married, and I sign the marriage license, that house is half mine. Which means I am then responsible for the payments even if my name isn't on the deed. Why can't you understand that this is a bad financial decision for me?! I'd be taking on even more debt for you."

The Ex: "Yeah, but then you'd get half the equity too. That's a disadvantage for me!"

Me: "How?! I've been paying for the thing for the past year anyway and I get s#*t all out of it now."

Again the conversation went completely downhill. Neither one of us was willing to give on anything. He wouldn't give up his house and I was not willing to sign on the dotted line knowing that it was financial suicide.

Things were getting increasingly tense. On top of the infidelity, financial issues, lack of trust, The Ex not working and all the pressure of an upcoming wedding, we were miserable. We'd completely and utterly lost our way. It was so hard to believe that once upon a time we'd actually been happy.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The breaking point - Part 2

After the Stag and Doe The Ex decided to stay at his home for a few days working on renovations. My dad offered to drive me back to Toronto on the Sunday night.

The entire drive to my place Dad and I made small talk. It was like we were both avoiding the elephant in the room. We were about 15 minutes from home when dad finally asked, "Wendy, how are things with you and The Ex and him not working?"

Me: "Just fine. We're making it work."

Dad: "How is he affording his house and helping to pay for you to live together in Toronto?"

At this comment I got very quiet and my eyes welled up.

Me: "Dad can we wait until we're inside to talk more?"

Dad looked at me and nodded. When we got to the condo we unloaded my things and took the elevator. Once we got in and settled, I got us two glasses of water, and then I just lost it. I spent the next two hours sobbing to my dad about how unhappy I was, how hard things had been and how I didn't know what to do. He listened and hugged me.

My dad has always been my 'Go To' person and to this day I am so grateful that he pushed me that evening. Although I didn't tell him everything that was going on (ie. My affair), I did get to talk about The Ex losing his job, how tight money was and generally how unhappy I was. We had a really good discussion and somewhere in there dad said to me, "Wendy, if you're this unhappy get out. Your mother and I are okay if you call things off. All we care about is you and your well-being. If this isn't right, don't do it."

In that one moment it was as if a huge weight had been lifted. One of the major topics my therapist and I had talked about was my fear of what everyone would think if I ended the relationship, especially my parents. At heart I am a people pleaser and I always want to make my parents proud. To hear my dad tell me that it was okay to call off the wedding was exactly what I had needed to hear.

After I had pulled myself together a bit dad and I worked out a plan. There were some huge concerns in regards to money (which I have not mentioned before in this blog), especially the fact that I was the only one of us working and was actually paying for not only our home in Toronto but for the mortgage on his house in another city. After looking over the numbers it became very apparent that I could only afford to support us in our current location and unfortunately I had to show him the black and white numbers regarding his house.

When dad left that night I felt light as a feather. He was going to fill my mom in about things and I was going to be in touch with them in the next couple days regarding the finances to get their help and support in talking with the Ex about it.

Things were about to get very, very ugly.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The breaking point - Part 1

By the beginning of April almost everything was complete and booked for the wedding. I had ordered my dress in October, the church and reception hall were confirmed, we'd done our tasting and chosen the food that would be served. The decorations, photography, flowers, tuxes and bridesmaid dresses chosen. The only thing left was to actually do up the invitations and mail them out.

The first weekend in April was our Stag and Doe. A Canadian Stag and Doe is basically a party to help raise money for the couple and their wedding. There were drinks and dinner served and then lots of games and an auction.

The Ex and I weren't happy about the Stag and Doe only because things had been so tense between us. But our wedding party and parents had done a beautiful job of putting it together. There were well over 125+ people that came out to support us and it was a really great time visiting with everyone. The auction/draw was the highlight. The Ex and I went back and forth drawing out names and it was a lot of fun giving away all of the prizes.

At the end of the evening I got up and thanked everyone for coming. I took an extra minute to thank the wedding party and our families for all of their support. I enjoy public speaking so it was logical for me to be the one to do this. Afterwards I felt terrible because I had forgotten to thank my aunt and uncle who had also put in a lot of time and effort into helping my parents with the event. I sent them a special note afterwards and felt better.

The Stag and Doe was the hardest thing to get through because at this point only my two best friends had any idea things were not okay between The Ex and I. Everyone else thought that we were the happy and excited couple that we were presenting.

One thing I had gotten really good at was faking it.

Monday, November 14, 2011

The reply

When his e-mail popped up in my inbox I just sat there staring at it for a good 5 minutes. I must have looked like a complete idiot with my mouth open and eyes wide. To say that I was shocked was a complete and utter understatement.

After taking a few deep breaths I clicked on it.

Hi Wendy,

Really shouldn't be replying to this but here we go.

Wow. He replied! That's all I could think. The e-mail was actually cut-off and about 5 minutes later I received another e-mail from him with the rest of the e-mail. He had answered every single one of my questions and even comment on a few things. I was still in shock.

I read and re-read his e-mail dozens of times. It took a lot of will-power but I didn't reply until the next day, my birthday. He replied to that e-mail as well wishing me a happy birthday and I sent him one more. In my last e-mail I told him that I was going to aim for another 2 months before e-mailing him again. I needed to have a goal to aim for otherwise I was just going to keep messaging him.

After the massive fight with The Ex in February and all the nasty things he had said to me, the fact that Bermuda replied to my e-mail changed my feelings even more. Maybe The Ex had been lying to me? Like he had with so many other things. Definitely something I needed to explore with my therapist.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Birthday present to me

March continued much the same as February. I was completely numb and a total zombie. I worked, I went to therapy and I was a prisoner in my own home. Work at least was an outlet and it was busy so that was my escape.

At the end of March I had a particularly hard week. Work was insane and The Ex was making things difficult. Emotionally I was spent and on the afternoon of March 26th, 2010 I gave in and sent Bermuda an e-mail. Since our last conversation, at the end of January, I'd written him e-mails but I'd just deleted them. He'd made it clear he wanted me to work on my current relationship and I had promised The Ex that I wouldn't contact him. By the end of March I was so emotionally spent that I couldn't help myself, I pressed send.

This is the e-mail that I sent:

I’ve had a ridiculously hard week and honestly I just want to talk to you. Realistically I know you won’t reply based on your last e-mail to me, I’m okay with that.

My week consisted of a whole lot of work issues. [...] I’m exhausted. Work has been excessive for the majority of March. Keeping busy has been a good thing; at least it’s a distraction.

Outside of work things have been interesting, which I’m sure you can imagine. I’m seeing a therapist to sort out why I do the things I do. Some days are better than others. Because of several factors, today has been a really low day. Monday will be exactly two months since the last time we ‘spoke’ and compounded with the bad day is probably why I really want to send this.

Even knowing you won’t reply; I’m still going to ask questions (Me, ask questions?! Shocking!). How was Costa Rica?! I thought of you all day on the 24th (Feb) knowing you were flying back, I’m sure exhausted, but totally high from the awesome time you must’ve had. [...] What about fishing? I saw the really cool green fish on your Facebook profile pic, did you catch anything else? [...]

I’m going to consider this e-mail an early birthday present to myself to justify it.


I knew he wouldn't reply but I had felt better having sent the e-mail. For me it was a release. At least he would know I was thinking of him. Over the weekend I had almost forgotten about the e-mail and then Monday morning he replied...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

You're fired

On March 2nd, 2010 The Ex was fired from his job. With all of the other flaws in our relationship this was just one more straw to add to the pile.

This was not the first job that he had lost in our 8 year relationship and this was a huge additional strain when we really didn't need anymore.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The long month of February....

February 2010 was a long month. I was a bit of a zombie basically functioning but not really participating in life.

I started therapy mid-month to try and sort things out. Why did I have an affair? How did I feel about my relationship with The Ex? How did I feel about getting married? I remember the first session with my therapist and she asked me why I was there and I just completely broke down sobbing telling her that I was engaged but had just had an affair and I didn't really know why. It was a very messy hour. I saw my therapist once a week and talking with her was the start of figuring things out.

I missed Bermuda every day. I thought about him all the time and I found it really hard not having him in my life. Especially since he had been so helpful during my family crisis. Mid-February he went on a trip to Costa Rica with his friends and I couldn't help wondering how it went.

Near the end of February The Ex and I had a massive fight. I look back on it now and realize it was a turning point for me and where our relationship was going. It was so nasty that it took me days to recover and a complete meltdown on my therapist before I could somewhat get over it. I have written out what happened but it's very private. If you would like to read the post please send me an e-mail and I will decide whether or not I can share.

Broken promises

Even though I had promised the Ex that I wouldn't, I e-mailed Bermuda the next day from work. I had to say a proper goodbye. He wanted to know what exactly happened so I gave him a summary. He wished me well and told me to work on my upcoming marriage. I was going to try and follow his wishes; he'd always given good advice.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Red handed

Prior to leaving for “Miami” The Ex had asked to have a conversation with me about our relationship. Things had been very strained between us for months, more so in the past few for various reasons. I had agreed to have this talk when I got back for my trip and had somewhat pushed it out of my mind. On Wednesday January 27th, I came home from work and The Ex was sitting in the den on his computer. I hadn’t even gotten my jacket off and he was on me.

The Ex: “Can we have that talk now?”

Me: “Um… okay.”

I took of my jacket and shoes and followed him to the living room. My lap top was sitting out on the coffee table open as soon as I saw it I knew what was coming. We sat down on the couch, each in our own corner. I sat with my knees up in front of me but facing him.

The Ex: “You’ve been acting weird lately. Things haven’t been going well between us either. Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Me: “No.”

The Ex: “Really? Okay then. Do you own a web-cam?”

I was a little surprised at the remark and instantly on my guard. I know how The Ex thinks and he was very clearly out to trick me into saying something I shouldn’t.

Me: “No.” And I shook my head.

The Ex then gets up and walks into the bedroom. He walks out with my web-cam and asks again if I own one. It’s obvious at this point that I do, but now I was just angry. His little games were so irritating and I just wanted him to get to the bloody point already. I just shook my head.

The Ex: “You have no idea what else I found.”

And he turns my computer towards me and presents me with Exhibit A, two nude photos of Bermuda.

The Ex: “Why the fuck do you have a web-cam and who the fuck is that?”

I was shocked and angry. I recognized the photos, Bermuda had sent them to me on MSN, but I knew that I had very carefully and meticulously deleted everything. How the fuck had The Ex found them? How long had he been tearing apart MY computer as he had most clearly been doing?

The Ex: “Consider very carefully before you answer. Again, you don’t know what else I have.”

It was exactly what I’d suspected. He’d gone into my computer and somehow hacked into my e-mail or something. I didn’t have any idea what he could and couldn’t find on my computer. I know I’d been careful with deleting everything but I didn’t really know what he was capable of recovering or breaking into. Rather than play games I just came out with it.

Me: “That’s the guy I’ve been sleeping with.”

To say that shit hit the fan is an understatement. He spent the next 2 hours grilling me. He wanted to know everything. How I knew Bermuda. What I felt for him. Where we would meet. It only made him angrier when I wouldn’t really answer the questions. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to know anything about Bermuda or my relationship with him. 

At one point The Ex asked if we’d had sex in ‘our’ bed. I started laughing. I couldn’t help myself. It was just too funny. The Ex had accused me of cheating many times over the years. This was the first and only time I’d ever actually done it and part of why it was possible was because it wasn’t in the city. There was no mixing or blending of my life. My life was in Toronto but my affair was strictly in Bermuda. My laughing obviously didn’t help things at all. 

The Ex also made me send an e-mail to Bermuda telling him that our affair was over and that I couldn’t speak to him again. He also watched as I deleted him from Facebook and from my MSN contacts list. (A few days later The Ex hacked into all of these accounts and blocked Bermuda from ever contacting me again.) The Ex made me swear that I would never contact Bermuda again. He told me that if I did, we would be done. He hadn’t yet decided if he wanted to end things with me or not, but for the moment he wanted to work things out with me.

I had never seen The Ex as angry as I did that night. He was insanely jealous and kept repeating to me that Bermuda only wanted me for sex, that I meant nothing to him. That was really the night he started emotionally torturing me.

Nearing the two hour mark of his tirade he went quiet. He looked at me and said, “You’re turned on, aren’t you?”

I looked at him in utter disbelief.

The Ex smiling: “You are, aren’t you?”

I honestly didn’t know what to say or do at this point. It didn’t really matter though; The Ex took my hand and pulled me to the bedroom. 

He had sex with me. 

And that was the first time in my entire life where I faked an orgasm.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

We meet again continues...

My week in Bermuda's bed was a lot of just that. We had sex 2-4 times a day and generally just enjoyed being together. A few highlights for you:

The first night I was there I got to meet roommate A's girlfriend. Meeting her was a really high point of the trip, she was so welcoming, cheerful and talkative. I immensely enjoyed being and cooking with her. She was genuinely happy that I was there with Bermuda and kept asking when I would be coming back.

I met roommate A first. He walked into the living room where Bermuda and I were sitting.

Bermuda: "Roommate A meet Wendy. Wendy, roommate A."

Roommate A with big eyes and pointing his finger at me: "You're the girl from after the Rugby Classic!"

I burst out laughing. "Yes, that was me!"

Bermuda: "Yeah, I wasn't ready to introduce her to anyone then."

We all had a good laugh and started chatting.

Meeting roommate B was a bit more challenging only because he was friends with one of my girlfriends from home and I didn't want him to make the connection. The good news was that B was pretty shy and he and I didn't talk much. He was very nice though when we did speak.


Bermuda is an excellent cook. He definitely spoiled me while I was there with his prowess in the kitchen (not just in the bedroom!). My fav was the night he made us lamp kabobs. I made it very clear I was not so great at cooking so he had me do the prep work. As I was cutting the veggies he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed the back of my neck. I leaned back into him and just remember feeling so content. It was such a small moment but was really very intimate.


On the Friday night Bermuda, Roommate B and I watched Love Actually. It's one of my fav movies of all time and apparently Bermuda and a friend made up a drinking game to go with it. Every time there is a Christmas tree or someone says 'love' you take a drink. Bermuda was far more into this than B and I were but we all had a good giggle over it and everyone played. Unfortunately Bermuda took his game far too seriously and drank himself to bed before the movie was over! That was the only night we went to bed without having sex first.


On my last morning at his place we had sex twice. We were both a bit sore and exhausted but it was the last chance we had. I packed my things and he called me a taxi. We ventured out of his room and there were tons of his friends over! I shook hands with everyone and introduced myself but Bermuda and I snuck out to the back porch to cuddle a bit more. It was a gloriously sunny and warm day, just like when I'd first arrived. We were wrapped around each other and were whispering back and forth. All of his friends could see us too. We heard the taxi drive by the hedge and knew it was time. He walked me out, we kissed and hugged and then I hopped into the taxi and left Bermuda standing at his front door.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

We meet again

January 20th, 2010 I flew to Bermuda to spend 5 days with Bermuda at his house. I had premised the trip as a work trip to Miami so The Ex didn't suspect anything.

I'd already been to Bermuda's place, but I would be spending 5 days there with him and his two roommates. To say I was nervous is a complete understatement. The Ex went back to his house the day before I left to give me time and space to pack and prep for my "work meetings". In actuality I spent the night carefully packing for my 5 day mini sex vacation. I had purchased new lingerie, massage oil and a new bullet, at Bermuda's suggestion. All of the above goodies would have been awkward to pack with The Ex at home.

After careful consideration I decided to wear the same outfit to Bermuda that I had worn the first night I went to Bermuda's place after the Rugby Classic. My stomach was in knots the entire plane ride but once I landed and got in the taxi things improved. The scenery was just spectacular and I found it calming. Bermuda came out of the house when the taxi pulled up and he grabbed my luggage. I followed him into the house to his room, I was shaking. He put my suitcase down at the end of the bed and turned to look at me.

Bermuda: "You look fantastic."

He came towards me and I had to admire how huge he looked. Being as I stand at 5'9 I loved the fact that at 6'4 he towered over me. Bermuda had his head shaved and was sporting his usual short beard. He's tall and slim, not skinny, and has great shoulders (my thing). Usually I don't notice eyes, but Bermuda's are very large, almond shaped, amber coloured, and one of his best features. Even though his lips are partially obscured by his beard they are very sensual, which I got to fully appreciate when he reached out, cupped my face, bent down, and kissed me. One of those super hot movie-like kisses.

I took a sharp intake of breath and ran my hands up under his shirt and pulled it off of him. From there we moved in fast forward. With some effort his belt came off, his shorts fell to the ground and then he was naked. Exactly what I'd been longing for, for the past two months. He swung me around so my back was to his bed and yanked my skirt off, elastic waist was a good idea. Next he bee-lined it for my shirt and more gently lifted that over my head. Underneath I was wearing my new red lace bra and panty set.

Bermuda: "God that red looks amazing against your skin," and shoved me onto his bed. I don't remember how the lace came off, I was so in the moment, but the crazy, all out, ripping-each-other-apart sex we had, once it was off, explains the memory lapse.

An hour later we lay panting, sprawled out on the bed, entwined together.

WOW. That's all there was to say...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My world coming apart

As I mentioned in the previous post Bermuda and I were talking every day and I’d already purchased a plane ticket back to Bermuda. My affair was in full swing.

Mid-December there was a very serious family crisis. I was absolutely devastated over it and could hardly function. I was doing my best and no one at work, save one colleague who I confided in, knew how badly things were going for me. What made this situation even harder was that The Ex did not agree with how my family was handling the situation. We were driving back to Toronto after visiting with my family one weekend and he was going off on me about how things were being handled and how much he didn’t agree with everything. He started attacking members of my immediate family and I just lost it. I was sobbing and screaming at him in the car and I know that in that moment I felt so alone, trapped and scared. This was the scariest and most upsetting thing to ever happen to me and the person I was supposed to marry was not in my corner. Instead he was tearing into me.

The next day I confided in Bermuda. I told him what had happened with my family and how upset and confused I was about everything. Surprisingly enough he was an amazing listener. Usually we talked about lighter topics so this was completely different from our usual conversation, this was real. After I shared with him he did a bit of research, gave me some ideas and thoughts and also shared a few personal stories of his experiences. Although this was all via e-mail, Bermuda let me completely fall apart on him and he caught me, he didn’t let me shatter completely. At that time he was honestly the one and only thing holding me together from a complete and utter breakdown. I am still grateful to him for the support he offered me during this time period. I'm not sure I would have made it through December in one piece had he not been in my life.

Slowly things improved with my family. This was really hard on everyone. One night over the Christmas holidays my dad said to me that I was really lucky to have The Ex to lean on since things were so difficult. It nearly broke my heart because my dad had no idea how awful things were and how unsupportive The Ex was actually being about the whole situation. The biggest thing that kept running through my mind at the time was what if this situation was with a child? What if The Ex and I had a child together and he and I didn't agree on treatment? The thought terrified me that we would be on opposing teams when it came to our own children.

December 2010 was probably the worst month of my life that I can remember. I have never been more emotionally and physically exhausted before. Although I would not wish to repeat the experience and I'm so glad that my family member is now in good health again, I am grateful to have had that eye-opening experience with The Ex. 

My dad was right in one regard, it was very good that I had someone to lean on and support me... too bad it wasn't the person that it should have been.

Monday, October 17, 2011

And an affair begins

Bermuda came by around 10pm on the Wednesday night. It was going to be a short visit since he had to work in the morning and I was flying home. We had sex twice more and then talked and cuddled for a bit. Bermuda got up to put his clothes back on so he could leave. I had to admire his jeans, they looked fantastic on him. I made him twirl around and commented about how great his derriere looked in them. We had a giggle over that. He asked for a hug before he left so I got up, walked over to him, wrapped my arms around him on tippy toes and kissed him. I shook my head and blurted “You said hug not kiss!” He smiled at me and we did hug and he made a cheeky grab at my ass! Another small kiss on the cheek and he left.

I flew home on Thursday and The Ex was at his house, not at our condo. I was relieved; I needed time to process what I’d just done. The Ex and I had been together 7+ years, we were engaged and the wedding date was set. In theory I was just about to get everything I’d wanted and there I was, very much, cheating on him. Even with this running through my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about Bermuda.

That afternoon I send Bermuda an e-mail letting him know that I’d had a fantastic time with him. He hadn’t replied by Friday so I sent him a text. He replied to my e-mail then saying he was sorry he hadn’t gotten the message earlier, but the message had gone right to his junk e-mail. That was officially the day my affair started. Bermuda and I would e-mail each other all-day every-day, video chat on MSN and call each other. By the end of November we’d made plans for me to return to Bermuda to see him. I’d purchased a plane ticket for the end of January and I couldn’t wait to see him again. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my best friend.

I did see my best friend a few days after I got back from Bermuda. She and I went for dinner and polished off a bottle of wine and several martinis. I did confess to sleeping with Bermuda, she was completely shocked. We talked it over and I assured her that it was a one-time thing and that I only needed to get it out of my system before getting married. Although she wasn’t impressed with me, as my best friend, she supported me and told me that as long as it was just this one time she would keep my secret. This is also when my lies started.

At the moment I am painting myself as the bad guy. I take full responsibility for the actions I took. I’m not proud of my affair and although it is a reflection of who I was at the time, it is not something I would wish to repeat ever. For those of you following, you will see how much I hid from everyone around me and how much I was hiding from myself. The affair with Bermuda was me trying to escape reality because I couldn’t quite deal with the repercussions of being in an unhappy relationship and not being strong enough (yet) to end things. There were a lot of reasons that led to the end of my relationship with The Ex, some of which I am capable of sharing and writing about, and others that I am not. You will certainly see that I put a lot of the blame on myself, but it does take two to make and break a relationship and there are always two sides to every story.