Friday, November 11, 2011

Birthday present to me

March continued much the same as February. I was completely numb and a total zombie. I worked, I went to therapy and I was a prisoner in my own home. Work at least was an outlet and it was busy so that was my escape.

At the end of March I had a particularly hard week. Work was insane and The Ex was making things difficult. Emotionally I was spent and on the afternoon of March 26th, 2010 I gave in and sent Bermuda an e-mail. Since our last conversation, at the end of January, I'd written him e-mails but I'd just deleted them. He'd made it clear he wanted me to work on my current relationship and I had promised The Ex that I wouldn't contact him. By the end of March I was so emotionally spent that I couldn't help myself, I pressed send.

This is the e-mail that I sent:

I’ve had a ridiculously hard week and honestly I just want to talk to you. Realistically I know you won’t reply based on your last e-mail to me, I’m okay with that.

My week consisted of a whole lot of work issues. [...] I’m exhausted. Work has been excessive for the majority of March. Keeping busy has been a good thing; at least it’s a distraction.

Outside of work things have been interesting, which I’m sure you can imagine. I’m seeing a therapist to sort out why I do the things I do. Some days are better than others. Because of several factors, today has been a really low day. Monday will be exactly two months since the last time we ‘spoke’ and compounded with the bad day is probably why I really want to send this.

Even knowing you won’t reply; I’m still going to ask questions (Me, ask questions?! Shocking!). How was Costa Rica?! I thought of you all day on the 24th (Feb) knowing you were flying back, I’m sure exhausted, but totally high from the awesome time you must’ve had. [...] What about fishing? I saw the really cool green fish on your Facebook profile pic, did you catch anything else? [...]

I’m going to consider this e-mail an early birthday present to myself to justify it.

Wendy

I knew he wouldn't reply but I had felt better having sent the e-mail. For me it was a release. At least he would know I was thinking of him. Over the weekend I had almost forgotten about the e-mail and then Monday morning he replied...

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